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The Child's Paradox
Written By: Frank Leek, Ph.D.
A major element of the dysfunctional, divorced family is the Child’s Paradox. Each
child is faced with an unsolvable riddle. A child loves each parent but knows the
parents are in conflict with each other. Children attempt to solve the paradox in
different ways, depending upon their developmental stage. A young child, even at two
years of age, can feel this paradox. When the parents are together their anxiety is
transferred to the child. Teenage children are faced with the same paradox and will
often attempt to solve it by simply ignoring the parents and becoming totally
preoccupied with friends. Children develop a variety of ways to deal with the paradox,
but are always unsuccessful. An unusually verbal child possessing an unusual amount
of courage might say:
“I love you both. I don’t want to hear you talk about my other parent in a negative way.
I want to spend as much time as I can with both of you. I am not going to watch every
word I say fearing I will offend you. Now I am going on with my life.”
Most children are not that verbal or brave and resort to less sophisticated means to try
to solve the paradox. A child will try to let each parent know he loves him or her by
saying negative things about the absent parent. This approach is problematic, because
parents become concerned that the child is unhappy at the other parent’s house and may
be being mistreated.
Many children learn never to mention the absent parent, thus avoiding all risks of
offending the parent they are with. Other children take advantage of the parental conflict
and deliberately set one parent against the other. The child paradox makes it difficult
to monitor the behavior of the child accurately, leading to increased parental conflict.
The Child’s Paradox is central to the divorced family’s communication difficulties.
There are several things you can do to lessen the paradox for your child:
- Work to establish a co-parenting arrangement that is business-like and mutually respectful.
- Move past Co-parent Paranoia and talk directly parent to parent.
- Avoid arguing in front of your child.
- Avoid passing adult messages through your child.
- Never use exchange time to discuss co-parenting issues.
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