Parenting Beyond the
Great Divide
A Survival
Guide for Raising Children in Two Homes
Frank Leek, Ph.D.
BUILDING A SHARED PARENTING TEAM FOR A LIFETIME
What to Do When Hell
Freezes Over
The Judge
gently tapped her gavel, ending the marriage of six years between Aaron and
Nancy. Their divorce was final…at least legally. They had been divorcing for
over a year and their anger actually increased over that time. The Judge
admonished them to cooperate in the best interest of their child. Her final
order was for Aaron and Nancy to enroll in counseling to learn co-parenting
skills.
Several
months later Aaron called, and apologetically said, “Well, I guess Hell just
froze over.” He agreed to call
After the
divorce is final, mediators, attorneys, evaluators and judges move on to other
families, leaving the divorced parents with the most difficult task of all:
moving past their own conflicts and learning to raise their child in two homes.
When
parents separate they vow their child will not be hurt, believing their child
will actually be better off living in two homes, sheltered from the arguments
of two unhappy parents. As they go through the divorce, parents find it
difficult to remain focused on the goal of keeping the child out the conflict.
When they realize that their child is hurting, they accept that they must learn
new skills, working together to help their child adjust to the many changes
brought about by divorce. As uncomfortable as it might feel, they must talk
with each other, for the sake of their child.
After the
separation and divorce, most parents begin to rebuild their lives, working to
avoid prolonged conflict and making sure their child is cared for. But learning
to raise a child in two homes is not easy. Anger between divorcing parents
endures. Not because they are bad, or mean or crazy, but because they are
stuck. In fact, most of the parents who continue to fight only do so because
they don’t know how to stop. Once parents learn the basic skills of shared
parenting, they can move past their conflict and get down to the business of
raising their child in two homes. As they learn co-parenting skills, the goal is
not to become good friends. Rather, they can develop a new relationship based
on respectful boundaries.
Parents can
be in a crisis mode for only so long, then something has to give. You can
develop terrible headaches. You can go broke. You can become cranky and
irritable. You can lose your job because of poor concentration. You can fail to
learn the necessary skills to be effective co-parents. You can give up all the
joys of your life and focus only on how weak and helpless you are in the face
of the other parent’s terrible, controlling behavior. You can get sick and die.
Being in a crisis mode is in some way going to eat you alive.
Or you can
move from the crisis of divorce conflict to the life-long practice of no-fault
shared parenting. If you do that, you will have time to develop a hobby, go
back to school, get a job, or even make friends. You may even want to write a
book: “How I survived five minutes of wedded bliss and ten years of divorce
hell.” You can quit going to your internist with those strange stress
disorders: “But doctor, my left elbow twitches every time I hear the word Ex.
Don’t you have a pill to cure that?”
You have
some choices to make. You can keep on fighting or learn a new skill. You can
continue blaming your ex or make the changes you need to make. You can maintain
your false pride or learn to be truly proud of being a good co-parent.
The purpose
of Shared Parenting Beyond the Great
Divide is to help you along the path of recovery and discovery. Recovery from divorce, if you let it, can be
a growth experience, or you can hold on to anger, resentment, and rage, forever
a victim. Discovery can be the process of growth and change for the good of
all.
Shared Parenting by
Co-parents
Parents
choose to raise their children in two homes for several reasons. Some parents
have never lived together and their relationship consisted of a single sexual
contact. Some parents lived together and never married. Some parents married,
had children and decided to live separately, resulting in a two home family.
The majority of parents raising children in two homes were married had children
and then divorced. Although each reason reflects a difference in emotional
attachment, this five-step guide applies to all reasons.
Shared
Parenting does not necessarily mean “fifty-fifty”. As long as there are two
parents, each without a fatal flaw that creates a danger to a child, they are
faced with the tasks of sharing parenthood. Whether it is “one-ninety-nine” or
“fifty-fifty”, each child deserves the best of each parent, which can only be
achieved by parent to parent communication and a modicum of parental maturity.
Five Steps To No-fault
Shared Parenting
As you read
this book you will learn a five-step method of co-parenting your child who is
living in two homes. The steps are based on many years of experience: mine,
colleagues who have completed the workshop for therapists, and parents who have
completed the Shared Parenting Support Program. The Five-Step Guide to raising
your child in two homes presents not the way
to do it but one way--a way that has
worked for many families who have struggled with the same issues you face. This
five-step guide is not a substitute for trusting your own instincts and common
sense. If you have found an effective
solution to some of the co-parenting tasks, use them. If not, consider these
steps:
Step One: The Transition
Parents
must make the “ultimate” decision: to stay with the other parent or to divorce
and learn to raise their child in two homes. Whether you have made your
decision or are struggling to do so, read Chapter One. There are three types of
relationships to consider. One is very destructive, one is difficult but can be
repaired, and the third is the “normal marriage” with the usual ups and downs.
Learn how these differ and what that can mean to you. Use the worksheet to help
you make your own decision.
At the time
of separation, each parent must make a decision about hiring an attorney. It is
necessary to understand your options, the roles of attorneys and how to
interview attorneys for the best match.
Many of you
will also need to work with a mental health professional to assist with
mediation, to conduct a family evaluation, or assist you in recovering from the
divorce. There are questions you can ask when selecting a mental health
professional that will help you find the person best suited for the job.
Once the
decision to separate is made, parents must focus on the needs of their child.
Fighting about the time your child will be with you is understandable, but
unhealthy. Now is the time to clearly examine what is in the best interest of
your child. You will be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life
and the life of your child. How much time will your child spend in each home?
What school will your child attend? Who
will provide day care? Who will be your child’s pediatrician and dentist? Does
your child need counseling during this period of transition? How will you arrange
for your child to have ongoing relationships with aunts, uncles, grandparents
and family friends? Many of these decisions will be based on the past history
of your family and the developmental needs of your child. Organizing your
child’s life around two homes requires careful thought. Yet during the
transition period parents react emotionally rather than objectively. Learn what
you can do to make rational decisions in the best interest of your child.
From the
time you separate until the final parenting plan is completed, you will be struggling
with the difficult task of helping your child adjust to the separation and
teaching your child to live in two homes. By using your common sense and
understanding the needs of children at each developmental age, you can avoid
many of the pitfalls of this transition process.
It is a
fatal error to not develop a clear, concise, complete parenting plan. Parents
are often reluctant to make a detailed plan. Some parents want to remain
flexible, thinking they can make arrangements as needed. Many parents want to
avoid the conflict and confrontation of hammering out a fair schedule. A vague plan or no plan at all is fertile
ground for future conflict as misunderstandings occur, motives are
misinterpreted, and feelings are hurt. It is not uncommon in the absence of a
well-defined parenting plan for parents to experience scheduling problems. For
example, some evening after school, your child may be left waiting outside the
school, neither parent arriving for the pick up. A model parenting plan helps
parents learn about the new boundaries of their relationship and provides
consistency and reliability to your child’s life.
Step Two: Overcoming
Emotional Obstacles
There are
many obstacles that you need to conquer as you move from the conflict of
divorce to the business of co-parenting. Most of these obstacles are those you
generate for yourself. Most divorcing parents are unprepared for the emotional
impact of divorce. You will need to manage the conflict so that your child is
not overwhelmed. You will need to understand some basic principles that affect
most parents: Learning to control your anger…and the anger of others. Accepting
your share of the responsibility for the divorce. Learning how to get accurate
information about your child’s life in the other home. Communicating parent to
parent, not through your child. Assuring that your child is not caught in the
middle of adult conflicts and problems. Accepting the changes in your life, and
accepting the opportunity for growth and adventure.
Step Three: Memorandum Of Agreement: Returning To
Common Sense after The
Here are
some principles that most divorcing parents know but violate:
Parents
should not fight in front of their children.
Children
need loving, supportive extended families.
When
possible, children need two loving, effective parents.
Parents
must work together to provide a positive school environment.
If your
child needs counseling, both parents must work together to make it a positive
experience.
Parents
must not fight in public.
In your
better moments, these principles would be readily accepted. However, as you go
through the adversarial process of divorce, they are often forgotten or
ignored. It is time to again consider what you must do to successfully raise a
child in two homes. By openly discussing these principles, you can focus on
your child’s needs, regardless of the degree of parental conflict during the
transition stage.
Step Four: Learning
No-Fault Communication
What
subjects can you discuss with the other parent that won’t violate new
boundaries? When can you call the other parent--and the other parent call you?
What should you do if you have questions only the other parent can answer? How
do you plan holidays, vacations and school activities? How do you keep informed
about medical and dental needs? How do
you plan for your child to be involved in extra-curricular activities?
Communicating effectively with the other parent is a skill you can learn.
By
following the communication system, you will be able to avoid many of the
problems co-parents face and meet the on-going needs of your child.
The first
part of the communication system is called the Information Call. Not only does
it provide a no-fault way to handle emergencies, it allows you to maintain open
communications so you can be a more effective parent.
The second
part, the Weekly Telephone Call, gives you a method to keep current as
co-parents about your child’s need. You can use a twenty item agenda covering
most of the areas of co-parenting responsibility.
The third
part is the Semi-Yearly meeting. By meeting together twice a year in a formal,
structured setting, you can begin to make long range plans for your child.
Step Five: Learning To
Master The 20 Tasks Of Co-Parenting
Most divorcing
parents are overwhelmed with the prospects of learning to cooperate with the
person they have just left. Most parents believe there is an endless number of
tasks to learn. If you learn the twenty essential co-parenting tasks, you will
be well prepared to meet most problems that arise. For example, selecting
alternative caretakers, handling school problems, meeting the challenge of
keeping your child clean and clothed, and many more. Each chapter provides
guidelines you can follow to meet these tasks.
Appendix
At the very
back of the book are some forms to help you keep track of your child’s
well-being. There are forms to facilitate your child-oriented communication, a
form to help you keep track of your progress as co-parents, a co-parents’ bill of
rights and, most important, your child’s bill or rights. There are scripts you
can use to handle the more vexing issues of co-parenting.
You Can Make A
Difference
Children of
divorce can grow to be happy, successful adults. Some, however, never seem to
recover. You and you alone hold the key. The research on the effects of divorce
on children tells us over and over again what you must do: If you remain in
conflict with the other parent, your child will suffer. If you move past the
conflict with the other parent, your child will most likely thrive.
When Mom
and Dad are told "you alone have the key", the most frequently asked
question is: "I am trying to co-parent but the other parent is just making
it difficult. What can I do to make the other parent shape up?" That is
one of the key questions we will address. When a parent accepts responsibility
for the conflict, he or she has given up the victim role and can now make
changes in a positive, powerful way.
An Invitation:
This book
describes ways many parents have successfully used to move past conflict to
no-fault co-parenting. But of course it is not complete. You have found ways to
handle some of the problems of raising a child in two homes, and are likely
struggling with others. I invite you to share your problems and experiences
with others. My next book, entitled, Parents
Speak from Beyond the Great Divide, based on solutions to the 20 essential
co-parenting tasks Shared Parenting Problems, will be based on your
experiences.
Frank Leek, Ph.D.
Telephone 916-638-8600
Fax: 916-638-8900